Milestones

This one is personal. If you don't care, this is time to move along.

I chatted with my eldest son tonight because it is his 29th birthday. I guess I am feeling old. Along with my younger son's 25th (on the same day as this blog's 4th anniversary), it sure seems that time is flying by.

On the other hand, it was great to see a bunch of blogger friends at the Blog Salon in Chicago this year.

A simple reflection after an "adult beverage."

Legacies

My father died thirty four years ago next July 15. My mother died last April.

So, there are legacies and there are legacies. One is the money one. My youngest brother has been the executor for my mom's estate which will be settled a little more than a year after her death. (That is not bad for Connecticut.)

When my dad died, he had been working for an insurance agency. He had a good amount of insurance which helped support many of my siblings with their college educations. (That is what he intended.) Since he died six weeks after my undergrad was done (and we even had a ceremony in his hospital room in Boston), I did not necessarily benefit. Of the eight of us, six have undergrad degrees, and three of us have a masters, with two of us with two masters. (When you factor in that of the eight of us, only three of us attended only one undergrad colleges, the numbers multiply. It was so much that my mother at one time said "Only stickers from where I went and where people are currently attending can go on the car windows! )

When I started college, my mother went back to work. After college was over for my youngest sibling, my mother used the remaining funds, along with what she earned, and what she had inherited from her in-laws and her parents to both live and to travel the world. She had great stories, adventures, photos, and souvenirs. Hey, she raised eight children, she deserved it! She always said "Don't count on any money, I plan to spend it all!"

My youngest brother, who had lived with my mother for several years, served as the executor of my mother's estate. I cannot have been easy. If my mother had died three years earlier, it would have been my job to deal with the issues.

This week I got my share of the estate. You know what? My mom came close to spending it all.

She had a good life. She made the world a better place. The town she lives in has already named a place after her (a vernal pool which the USGS has accepted). There are books in the local public library in her name (appropriate for younger Girl Scouts, a love of my mom).

So what have been their legacies (my mom and dad)?

Well, let's take a look. Eight children: one librarian (me), four teachers/non-profit workers (Peter, Sue, Beth, Helen), one entrepreneur in the environment (Paul), two managers (Meg, Thomas). There are almost nineteen grandchildren. Over half of them have already graduated from college. Some work in the non-profit sphere. Many of the ones who do not commit some of their time to non-profit efforts. The grandchildren include three Eagle Scouts (so far -- Jason is only 10-ish). Many of the girls have been Girl Scouts.

Money? Well, some of us are working with the local Community College to establish a scholarship fund in my mother's name, to allow a deserving student to continue education in Early Childhood Studies. Isn't that a legacy? In addition to whatever else happens.

One year ago

It was a year ago yesterday that my mom died.

Here are the two posts from that time, one is actually what my daughter said.




Caption for Megan's photo:

L to R sitting on the floor: Gregory, Brian, Mark Leach, Justin Elmore, Andy Doucette, Matthew Toney, Kyle, Ed. Second row: Christina Kennedy (now Greg's wife), Megan, Carolyn, Karen Doucette, my mom (holding Bridget Elmore), Collen, Nancy Doucette, Amanda Leach. Third row: Jill (ex wife), Meg Leach (sister #1, child #3), Helen Elmore (sister #4, child #8), Sue Doucette (sister #2, child #4), Diane (Paul's wife), Beth Toney (sister #3, child #7), Jeanne (Peter's wife). Back row: me (eldest all around), John Elmore (Helen's husband), Jimbo Doucette (Sue's husband), Thomas (brother #3, child #6), Paul (brother #2, child #5), Peter (brother #1, child #2).

Edit Note: My daughter properly pointed out that I had flip-flopped my eldest sister and her daughter. I have now corrected that. Thanks, Megan!

America's Health Care System is broken

This has been perking in my head for almost a month now, but yesterday and today pushed me over the edge.

One of the problems with the system is that it is dependent on employment. My current health insurance is scheduled to end with the end of this month. I will "suck it up" and pay the COBRA to be sure that I (and my dependent) continue coverage. We have health issues, and need the continuity of coverage. That alone indicates that the system is broken.

Here are the three issues which pushed me over the edge about speaking out:

• who choses the medication?
• who pays the bills?
• why does it cost so much for insurance?
  

First: medication choices

I have a medical condition where, at the moment, there is one medication which works for me. I have tried the generic and it does not work. Here is the story. I had bad, continuous heartburn. I was diagnosed with GERD (Gastro-Esophogeal Reflux Disease). I started with one name brand, it stopped working, and I changed to another. It also stopped working, and I moved to a third. All was good for a couple years. Then I changed jobs and therefore health insurance. The first time I renewed my prescription under my new employer, the pharmacy went back to brand #1. I did not fight, and after a couple weeks, I was in agony again. I talked to the pharmacy, and I was back to what worked. Last July, my employer changed health plan providers. Suddenly I was dealing with a "formulary" process. This is, in my opinion, nothing less than a price-fixing cartel process where the insurance company, for whatever reason (which may include discounts...) did NOT include my drug. Suddenly I went from paying $10 per month to a random amount, usually over $35. Fair? I don't think so? This summer I renewed my prescription, and the pharmacy again provided the generic. I refused to take it. Why? In January, I had taken the generic for two weeks, and my symptoms returned! Would you? What price is your health worth?

Why can someone in an insurance company, who has never met me, and not ever even talked to me, decide that I cannot have a prescription drug that I want. I can tell you that I spent almost 10 hours on the phone and in emails dealing with trying to get the medication which keeps me from having constant heartburn.

Second: Doctors and business practices

The more recent incident has to do with doctors offices and their willingness to deal with health carriers. My current carrier is technically a "cooperative" and is fairly local. My daughter is many states away. I chose a health plan which provides for "out of network" services. Well, my daughter's doctor's office management are a bunch of (well, I will be kind) dorks. (I have not decided if I will call them out publicly.)

Because my health insurance provider actually has a person answer every phone call, and does not use "voicemail hell" to screen calls, but is not a big player on the national scene, that office does not deal with them. The first time I called they referred to my carrier as "non-par." As a lay person, that sure sounds like "sub-par" which is not a compliment. Each time I called, they used "insurance-ese" even though they knew I was not an insurance person. They consistently refused to even talk directly to the insurance provider, and once when the insurance provider called were "more rude than anyone [we] have ever dealt with." And that was according to one of the experienced "member services" staff of my insurance provider. The fact that a medical office would refuse to deal with the insurance carrier of one of their patients absolutely boggles my mind. It is so antithetical to the customer service attitude which we in libraries try to provide.

I may be telling my daughter to find a new doctor for the rest of the time that I am responsible for the medical insurance. How else can you send a message?


Third: Insurance costs

I think I have known this for some time, but it has recently been driven home to me when I received my official COBRA paperwork. For my personal situation, it will cost me over $1,800 per month for insurance. Where does that money go??? That is $21,600 per year. I know that is more than many library workers are paid! I guess I always knew that it was expensive, but I had not really paid attention to the level.

Now, I don't begrudge any of my caregivers what they receive. When it costs $150 for a doctor's visit, I know that only a small part of that goes to the doctor. There is money for the rest of the staff (receptionist, nurses) and overhead (space costs, utilities), and even worse for them, malpractice insurance. Medical personnel must have to see a large number of people each month to meet the bills (plus have money to eat -- and to pay for their own health insurance!). But the amount paid for the insurance seems to me to be outrageous. Even more so when I remember that in July 2007, my employer changed providers when the prior provider wanted to boost rates by more than 50%!

I rest my case. The system is broken. I wish I knew how to fix it.

Transitions

It is now public and official. I will be leaving the L E Phillips Memorial Public Library in Eau Claire as of July 5. There has been a breakdown in the relationship between me and the Library Board.

This is not new news to the folks in Eau Claire (thanks to the newspaper) or to my children and family.

There is a limit to what I can say. I am leaving here with my head held high. This is a great community, and I have received incredible support from my staff here and from many members of the community.

Where I will go next is still up in the air. I have a number of irons in the fire. I will have interviews at the ALA Annual Conference in Anaheim. Where my personal adventure takes me next, I don't know.

I will continue to live in Eau Claire for the time being. After all, it is relatively cheap to live here. In early July, I will retrieve the last of my personal belongings from Connecticut and have all of my "stuff" in one city -- Eau Claire. It is sort of half-way between the coasts, even if it is further north than the mid-point.

Rest assured that this blog will not disappear, and I will even promise to blog some or all of my adventures in Anaheim.

Stay tuned!

Reflections on my mother

I launched Facebook this morning to find that my daughter and a niece had posted comments about my brother-in-law's Calivn and Hobbes post and analysis. Here is what they said:

your dad's email totally made me cry in the middle of the computer lab today. thanks a lot uncle jimbo!

yeah, me too. it's nice to think of it that way, cause it's so true. but I agree with Calvin, just because she lives in us, doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that she's not out there in the world anymore. well, I don't know...just having a hard time with it today.

One of the things I have learned this winter and spring is the importance of sharing personal feelings and I am glad to both see their comments, and see that their comments reflect my feelings.

More reflections on my mother

One of my brothers-in-law sent this note out to the family today. I'll post the PDF file, if I can figure out how, or you can email me for it.

I get a daily Calvin & Hobbes cartoon on my Google home page. A couple weeks ago, there was one about a baby raccoon, where Calvin said "You don't get to be Mom if you can't fix everything just right." I thought you Moms and all of us, as children of a Mom, might appreciate that.

As the days went on, the story of the raccoon developed into one of sadness as Calvin dealt with the mortality of the little raccoon. It made me think of Nancy when he said, "Don't die, little raccoon. It wouldn't be very grateful of you to break my heart." It sounded like something Nancy would have said when she was little.

When the raccoon died in the comic strip, it was the day of Mother's funeral. Calvin's Dad said, "At least he died warm and safe, Calvin. We did all we could, but now he's gone." And Calvin replied, "I know. I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me." That sure hit home, and I thought it was very well put.

The series ended with Calvin saying, "Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle. She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand, and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have."

I put the strips together to share with you, if you're interested. I hope this message doesn't offend or upset anyone, but I thought the way the comic dealt with death was both touching and cute, and it made me feel better.

More reminiscences

My daughter posted to her LJ account both a photo, and some wonderful thoughts about my mother, her grandmother. I thought about linking, but decided that it is probably more appropriate to quote her. She is a really great kid, and I just love what she says. Some of it is part of what I remember hearing also. Here is what she wrote (punctuation is hers, not mine, this is a cut and paste, the photo was her choice also):

my grandmother passed away on wednesday. that's her in the middle, in the green sweater. i guess you could consider her a matriarch.

She was born in 1925. she grew up on riverside drive in manhattan. she told me stories of playing in the hudson and all around the city. she was turned into a paper doll. she was apparently hot stuff and went on lots of dates. she knew from high school that she wanted to do medical research. she went to brown when there was still a seperate women's school. she met my grandfather there, and about a billion generations on both sides had gone to brown. i know she graduated in 1947. i don't know when they married, or exactly what my grandfather did, but i know they had their first child, my dad, in 1953. she had 7 other children over the course of about 12 years. she did research at the worcester foundation for experimental biology at some point. my grandfather died in 1976 of melanoma. her father died some time in the '80s. growing up, there were always easters at grandmas. christmases at the church hall. summers at the beach houses. weekends when she would take care of me and my brothers. trips to mystic, the snapping turtles, the park with the duck pond. brown football games at yale and columbia. her charm bracelet with charms for all of the cousins that she would show to everyone. her "ask me about my grandchildren" license plate. she was the coolest person ever because she was the only one who could rightfully tell my dad to shut up. she was involved in girl scouts, brown sports foundation, a family care clinic, the inland wetlands commission, her church, and more groups that i can't even remember. there is a vernal pool named after her. she lived 7 months and 20 days longer than they gave her.
and that's just off the top of my head.
basically, she was an amazing woman.

Sorrow

It has been quiet here lately. Partly because my mother has not been well. Earlier this afternoon, I heard from one of my brothers that she died peacefully in her sleep at age 82. Posted here is one of the last really good pictures before she began not feeling well a couple years ago. It was taken en route back from dropping my daughter off at college (hence the Boston University shirt on yours truly). Once the obituaries run (tomorrow or the next day), I will also link to them.

When she had a major health crisis this past fall, I spent time with my brothers and sisters. We spent some quality time together and dealt with planning a number of the hard issues, including visiting the funeral home and the local church. That planning has made this particular crisis easier than it otherwise might have been.

The second photo was taken two Christmases ago. It shows my mother and me with all my brothers and sisters ("the siblings" to some of my friends and colleagues). In this photo are (l to r): front: me, Paul, Mom, Peter, Thomas; rear: Meg (Margaret), Beth (Elizabeth), Helen, and Sue (Susetta).

Humor: Unfortunately Named Athletes

Steve Cohen over on Library Stuff, linked to this great list of unfortunately named athletes.

I'm wondering if there is a list of unfortunately named librarians?

I do know that my father use to joke about the fact he should have given my brother Paul a different middle name so that his initials would have been PIG, and clearly my parents forgot when then named my youngest sister Helen (middle name Ann.....you figure it out) whose initials changed when she married. My initials are only kind of car tire (MAG), and I can live with that!

Away for the holiday

I am visiting my family in New England. I arrived last night at my sister's house in Western Massachusetts. This morning as I am reading email, reading blogs, and chatting with my brother-in-law he mentioned the phone. They have not just one, but two of these phones!

I had an uneventful trip from Minneapolis to Bradley, rented a car and got here successfully. Later this week I will be driving my brother-in-law to Maine so that I can visit my sister, and he can visit his parents and sister. We will then go to Northwestern CT for my family's annual get-together.

Giving Thanks

I know that I am late....but I went away for the Thanksgiving holiday, and turned off electronics for the duration. Yesterday (Monday) was left to catch up -- both at home and at work.

I have been composing this post in my head for some time.

This year I am thankful for:

• Having a job which I enjoy and which has challenges
• Having been accepted into a completely new and different community
• The many adventures I have had over the past year
• For my friends:
• My new Rotary friends in Eau Claire
• My friends from Leadership Eau Claire
• The many friends I have at work
• Friends in "the Cities"
• My many virtual friends who offered support
• My many professional colleagues (especially within ALA)
  
• For my family:
• My mother who survived a health crisis this fall
• My brothers and sisters who are watching over her more carefully and keeping us all better informed
• My kids (even when they don't answer my emails!)
• For being healthy. While I have pus some weight back on, I am still close to my lower band of weight, and feel great because of that!

It has been an interesting and surprising year. It was just a year ago that I left Bridgeport to move to Wisconsin. It was the right decision.

A Book for Parents

I guess that I am feeling a little like Steve Oberg (Family Man Librarian) having read a new book by someone I have met here in Eau Claire.

Maureen Mack is a professor at UWEC (University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire), and teaches in the education department. In that respect this post veers from the professional (just a little) into the more personal and advocacy. Her book is Finding Center: Strategies to Build Strong Girls and Women. It is published by New Horizon Press in Far Hills NJ.

The book is an interesting mix of analysis of research, personal stories, and checklists/tests which will allow parents to create a better world for women. As someone who is a parent to both young men and a young woman, I learned some things I wish I had done differently. I also read about what I did correctly.

Much of what Dr. Mack has written is aimed at helping us to build successful, confident women who will, ultimately, determine our society' s direction. Those who are parenting young women must read this book. There are numerous suggestions about how to help girls develop into the confident women we need. It is sometimes incidental that the book talks about how to help our sons become the kind of people who value women, respect women, and support women.

I work in a profession which has many more women than men. My inspirations for becoming a librarian were influential women in my life. I feel that I have a duty to pay back that inspiration. At the same time, I am the father of two sons and a daughter. The two sons have finished college and are now beginning their careers. To me, they seem to have successful lives and successful relationships. My daughter is still in college, and to me, still a work in progress. However, she is completing a double major at a large, major university. She seems to be on a good path professionally and personally. At the same time, when I pause to reflect, there are things I wish I had done differently. There are times I can point to when I wish I had spent more time with each of my children [I just can't call them kids -- i.e. young goats]. They have turned into great adults with the help of both parents, and at times I think, in spite of both parents.

Having read this book, there are things I would do differently if given the chance. In a way, that is my pledge.

Bottom line: if your library does not have this book, buy it. Read this book!!

Back in the Saddle

I am back to work. What an adventure: six different beds in seven nights; drove 8 different cars registered in 5 different states mostly in two towns!

When I first got the phone call, the hospital staff said "We're trying to keep her alive until everyone gets here." She went home from the hospital a week ago today, and by last weekend, several of us were itching to leave since she was back to her feisty self. I'm now thinking that there was a possible mis-diagnosis. My mother has had a blood disease for a number of years. She wound up in the hospital dehydrated and almost in septic shock. But after a couple of days of treatment which included IV antibiotics and some blood transfusions, she pulled out of it.

I am happy to be home, and able to sleep in my own bed. (I think we all underestimate the importance of that.) The experience of pretty much living with my brothers and sisters as adults was very different than when we were younger. While we often see each other, we are usually also surrounded by spouses and kids. This time, for most of the time, it was just us. That created a different dynamic. The age difference of 12 years from eldest to youngest is also no longer as significant as it used to be. In group dynamic we became a "high functioning team" as we wrestled with some pretty important issues. It was really good.

While it was incredibly disruptive to each of our lives, I think we all also walked away with better connections to each other.

Stay tuned for some posts on the reading I completed while traveling and while there. Those posts will be very different than this.

Finally, I want to thank those who sent me personal notes. The level of support I received from my staff, board, and electronic friends was heartwarming. Thanks.

Superbowl Ad

I did not pay close attention this year. However, one ad has raised a fair amount of discussion in my family. My niece Amanda linked to it from her Myspace account. Her father committed suicide two years ago January. My sister Meg has become active with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention which is asking GM to pull the ad. Please help.

Some of you may remember my absence for a day at Midwinter in Boston. That was when I went to the funeral.